With its ridiculous title, poster, trailer, and priest-turned-killer-dinosaur concept, The Velocipastor is predicted to be hysterically horrible. It completely disregards explanations, which is what makes it so delightfully fascinating.
This film, written and directed by Brendan Steere, is pure, outrageous silliness that layers numerous B-movie components like a stack of cheesy pancakes. The cast exhibits complete acceptance of the film’s silliness by adopting hilarious action poses and giving purposefully exaggerated faces.
Steere’s editing keeps the movie going at a breakneck speed, with rubbery claws adding to the humor and tantalizing glimpses of the dinosaur throughout bouts. There is never a dull moment thanks to the variety of action scenes, and you’ll be laughing so hard that you won’t even notice if it briefly slows down.
Unholy Transformation: A Dino-mite Delight
After the passing of his parents, Father Doug Jones, who is questioning his faith, takes a sabbatical in China. While there, he is damaged by a weird fossil that a hurt woman gave him. Upon his return to the United States, he learns that he is mutating into a dinosaur and killing people while having blackouts.
He learns his terrible secret from a fortuitous encounter with a prostitute named Carol, and she persuades him to utilize his newfound talents to kill deserving criminals. Father Doug eventually decides to follow this course, while also developing his love for Carol. Ninjas, drugs, flashbacks to the Vietnam War, and a voodoo witch doctor are also somehow included in this cauldron of a plot.
B-Movie Brilliance: Embracing the Absurdity
The picture was also edited by Steere, making it frantic and tremendously entertaining. While the rubber claws offer a humorous element, the glimpses of dinosaurs in motion during the conflicts captivate the audience. The movie has a surprising number of action scenes, which keeps it from being boring. In actuality, the audience will be laughing so much that they won’t even notice any potential slow spots.
It’s astonishing how The VelociPastor, a hoax movie trailer that first appeared in 2011, manages to turn its silliness into a full-fledged 70-minute movie. The entire premise is absurd in every sense, but in the best manner conceivable.
Father Doug awakens in a stranger’s bed naked at the beginning of the narrative, causing him to request clothing. He then appears in a humorous moment sporting a short-knit dress. The woman in question is Carol, a prostitute with a kind heart who is simultaneously pursuing a dual degree in law and medicine. She exhorts Doug to use his Jurassic shape-shifting abilities to defeat scumbags like Frankie Mermaid, her pimp.
Even though you know The VelociPastor can never fully live up to its name, you nevertheless find yourself watching it in the hopes of laughing out with others. To show that you’re hip, entertaining, and knowledgeable, you want to bring it up at gatherings.
Did You Know This About Velocipastor?
- The movie is a full-length remake of a 2010 Grindhouse trailer done by the same director for a film school project that quickly gained popularity.
- A phrase on the shed behind Father Stewart during the flashback war scene reads, “The world is full of Kings and Queens, who blind your eyes and steal your dreams.” This phrasing comes from the Black Sabbath song – Heaven and Hell.
- The Velociraptor costume featured in the movie was in the writer/director’s basement for years, according to the DVD commentary. It had been created for a high school play, but the principal of the institution forbade its usage because he thought it would make the production too violent.
- On the day the movie’s climactic brawl was being filmed, the police arrived to investigate. People walking by could still see the performers and the set, even though the sequence was being filmed in a somewhat inaccessible part of a park. Someone reported, quote, “ninjas and someone in a short fat dinosaur costume were running around in the park” when they dialed the police.
- Fernando Pacheco De Castro jumped at the opportunity to appear in the film. De Castro came up with the name and occupation of his character when director Brendan Steere offered him the job of a “bad guy” and shaved the top of his head to make himself look spooky. Even his outfits for the part were his own purchases.
Prehistoric Puns and Holy Shenanigans
The movie is a massive spoof of various genres, stories, and Hollywood clichés, borrowing elements from famous films like An American Werewolf in London, The Da Vinci Code, and Pretty Woman. Additionally, it pokes fun at films about problematic priests, martial arts flicks from the 1970s, and war films. With witty and understated gags about characters and storytelling, every scene has the sense of a satire of well-known storytelling conventions.
The comedy in the movie is full of oddball asides and inside gags that are reminiscent of outrageous Monty Python humor. These instances frequently elicit a “Wait, what?” response in addition to laughing. As an illustration, the movie’s opening title card jokes that it was “Rated X by an all-Christian jury,” and in a flashback, Doug’s parents jokingly consider sending him to “priest college” while using peculiar language.
The movie is at its best when it embraces its campy and corny side, especially when it makes fun of characters’ stupidity rather than digging into complicated social concerns that it wasn’t meant to address. One memorable scene is when Doug confronts Frankie the Mermaid after he confesses to his crimes while bragging about them. The scenario is performed with a combination of lighting, framing, and ridiculousness that creates a hilarious moment when Father Doug responds by impaling the pimp with a dinosaur claw.
Because it is so ridiculous, the storyline of a ninja clan’s scheme to trick people into addiction and then convert them to Christianity would suit wonderfully in a low-budget ninja movie. The VelociPastor has moments that suggest the possibility of a really compelling story beneath its purposefully corny surface.
From Pulpit to Pterodactyl: The Velocipastor Phenomenon
The dino-suit is so laughably awful that it becomes ludicrous when it finally emerges in a pivotal battle. As the ill-fitting, amateurish homemade costume begins to break apart, the audience is encouraged to criticize and make fun of the movie.
Is the film a comedic masterwork? Most likely not, but it’s pleasantly better than anticipated. The VelociPastor has catchy lines that are worth yelling in a theatre, and it may even become a cult favorite among late-night movie aficionados. Despite being only an hour and ten minutes long, it might only need to be cut by about 45 minutes to be truly fantastic.
However, witnessing a priest turn into a dinosaur is the primary draw here. Aside from a few fleeting glimpses of dinosaur body parts earlier in the movie, the conclusion meets audience expectations.